German Doctor Wolfgang von Smilin injects 5-year-old Fuhrer’s Wissenschaftburger #2815 with polio. “It vill turn you into candy!” he says.
image credit: NYTimes Photo Archives
Squadron Leader FRD Swain R.A.F. needed steady nerves and sharp wits to break the German world altitude record. At altitudes straining 150 meters, however, no aeronaut could keep lit a cool, smooth Ogden’s 3-Nicotines-Enriched Duke of Gloucester. How was a bloke to keep his wits about him?
Ogden’s scienticians heard the pleas. Working around the clock, they produced the Swain High Altitude Leisure Suit. At ground level, the SHALS is pressurized with the equivalent of 1,000 child sized lungfuls of smoke - enough to carry Swain above and beyond the German altitude record.
Now, put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jerry!
image credit: The George Arents Collection
Shanghai, Oct. 25, 2005 - Hooters Celebrates Its First Birthday In China
Unnamed sources inside Hooters say the questionable decision to attempt to penetrate the Chinese market was based largely on a mistaken belief that the company could leverage the vast population of busty Chinese women.
Lacking busty women to appear in marketing material, Hooters was forced to hire little boys and photograph them in front of a poster of more little boys.
An American spokesman for Hooters, after consuming several beers served by a small boy in short orange shorts and a tight white t-shirt, spoke frankly, “It’s a little known fact that nearly two-thirds of the smiling Chinese population exists entirely in posters.” Looking uncomfortable, he added, “Say, have you ever had to put makeup on a little boy?”
Speaking from Cinderella’s castle, spokesmen for the park maintained that Donald Duck’s infection was an isolated incident. In an aggressive move to prevent further infection, however, preemptively culling of park animals would begin immediately. A park office explained, “We will stoke the cotton candy machines all night! Flames will climb higher than the castle spires! We will fill the air with the sweet smoke of candy and fun and laughter and Donald Duck and Pooh and Simba and…I am sorry. I get carried away.”
image credit: unknown
Jesse Owens credits increased stamina and vitality to the rich full flavor of Ogden’s Belle Meader Molasses 100’s. “Gold quality!”, he says of Ogden’s. “Olympic gold medal gold quality. 24 carat gold. Golden smokies.” “GooOOOoold!” he later added.
image credit: The George Arents Collection